Losing a Piece of My Heart
May 13, 2022 - the day that changed my life
I’ve been going back and forth on whether I wanted to write this blog post, but I keep being drawn back to wanting to write. So here I am.
Miscarriage - something no one ever wants to experience, yet unfortunately it’s the reality for many women, including myself. I’ve spoken on my experience with miscarriage before, but this time it’s so much more real, raw, and emotional for me. My life is drastically different than it was in 2007. This time around, I am married to the most amazing guy, we both can’t wait to have kids, we have a home, 5 dogs. We were SO excited when we found out we were expecting. We loved that little baby from the very beginning and always will.
The loss is truly devastating. Miscarriages are very painful to handle emotionally, but no one talks about the physical pain of a miscarriage. On the night of May 13th, I was in so much pain. It felt unbearable. I couldn’t just rest and grieve, instead I had to go through the painful process of my body miscarrying. I hesitate to talk about the physical affects, but I think it’s important to mention because it’s just not spoken about.
It has taken a month and a half for my body to recover from the physical trauma. My sleep has declined drastically since that night. My hormones are finally beginning to regulate again, but it’s taken a long time. I think I now have PTSD and worry that it’ll happen again in the future, and I won’t be able to handle yet another loss. BUT I also know my feelings are a bit irrational, and it is not guaranteed that I’ll experience another miscarriage. With that being said, it’s still a fear of mine. It’s difficult to explain.
Although I was going through so much at that time, I decided to document my feelings as I was miscarrying, because I knew it could help me and potentially others in the future, no matter how raw and emotional they were/still are.
Documented on May 16, 2022 -
Something I’ve learned over the last year and a half is that life will always move on. Whether you choose to move with it or not.
Friday night and Saturday morning were really tough. Depression reared its ugly head. But, I decided to take control of my feelings, my life. This was not going to define my life. Yes I’m still grieving and managing my depression. But, I am going to continue to live my life to its fullest.
With that, I decided this is the perfect time for me to cut off outside forces and just focus on ME. My mental health has been struggling, but I want to now focus on myself, my strength, and my future goals. Some may get offended that I’m not on social media and not replying to texts, but I need to focus on me. It’s what I need to do right now to thrive.
Thank you to everyone who has supported and loved me during this difficult time. I have the most amazing, loving, supportive husband, and I’m grateful to be able to live such a wonderful and fulfilling life with him by my side. Also, my manager has been very understanding and made sure I had the ability to take all the time I needed before I went back to work.
Although this is a bump in the road, the road will keep going and we will continue to move forward. We are excited for the future to come and hoping for a rainbow baby when the time is right.
xoxo Shannon
